i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
