kristin has been a bad kristin
well I can't set my house on fire every night
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
