dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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