Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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