I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
