Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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