im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize