I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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