Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
