i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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