I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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