I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
