We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
