I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
