Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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