i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
