Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
