i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
