Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You left your phone here
Wait...
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