i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
