OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
