I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
