My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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