my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
