A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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