you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
