He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
