I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize