So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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