If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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