he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
