I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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