if you like me you must not know who I am
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
