I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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