He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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