hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
