my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
