i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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