mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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