the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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