Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
