I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize