I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
