you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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