I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
