you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
