I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
