what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
