WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
