My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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