omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
