In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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