You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
sarcasm needs its own font
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
