When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize