I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
