If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Two words: blizzard sex
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
