she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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