I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Welp...herpes.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
