just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
