Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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